Welcome to beyond the diamond, the podcast that goes far beyond the game. I'm your host, Danielle de Ruben, and I'm here to empower young women, parents and coaches in the world of fast pitch softball. As the owner and founder of Dear 3, fast pitch and passionate about bringing you inspiring stories, valuable insights and expert advice to help you excel both on and off the field. So whether you're a player. Looking to take your skills to the next level, a parent supporting your young athlete or a coach seeking to make a difference, you're in the right place. Let's dive in and go beyond the diamond together. Hey everyone, coach Dee here with episode #4 of overcoming injuries. I have my mother here who is an ER nurse. One of my biggest supporters. Very thankful for her and my dad the whole time through my softball career, my journey in my adult life and I wanted to kind of piggyback off of last week's episode and. Talking about my college journey, some of the injuries I went through and I want you all to hear from a parent perspective of things that we regret going through a little bit more things we could have done different and just hearing her experience through what I was going through with her background as an ER nurse. So mom. First I want to start off by talking about. I know I had all my injuries in high school, don't really want to dive into those at the moment, but when I got to Georgia College, I transferred from Kennesaw State University, transferred with a little back injury at the time and. Going through that transfer process to begin with was extreme. I had one month with 50 plus schools that I could have. Chosen gone to visits too. I mean, it was a lot. And without my mom, I wouldn't been able to get through the recruiting process. But we were going to visits here. There, there. I was traveling all over the place trying to find the school that I was going to transfer to and found Georgia College found my home. I get there and my back started really bothering me. Diving deep into that. Well, and one of the things that was really hard for me my sophomore year is I just transferred from the D1 level to the D2 level. I was told I was the starting pitcher. Granted, you can't take that word ever. If a coach ever promises you that you're going to be the starter, you, they might say one thing before you get there and things change and things can change, and that's fine. But I had it in this. And my mindset that I'm going to be a starter, well, this whole fall, I'm dealing with recovery. Also trying to start and also trying to show myself, prove myself, had a lot of pressure under my belt. As far as I was the first. Do you want transfer? The schools ever had and. I just put a lot on myself and so when I was injured, I wasn't really giving myself the time to go through it until it just hit me and I. Went to get an MRI, went to get next year. I ended up having a stress fracture. And my doctor told me it was that winter right before I came home from winter break. I was told I need to take three months. And my mom is again, ER nurse came to all my doctor's visits. Growing up was very involved in my medical life, and she wasn't there for these visits. And I want to kind of talk. I want to hear your perspective on what you wish you could have changed going back. In time, if you would have been involved in those visits and what you kind of thought because my athletic trainer was there with me, love my athletic trainer, loved her to death, I was very thankful for everything that she's done for me. But it is different. Being an athletic trainer. At the school that I was at, they were in their Masters program, so she had her degree in exercise science. She was getting her masters and athletic training, but she heard one thing from the doctors and then I come back and I tell my coach what's going on and coach says, well, the X-ray and MRI doesn't match up. You're playing. My mom, like my whole family, was like, OK, well, if Coach says. That then like. You you should be good and it was really my parents believing that the coach had my best interest at heart and I'm not. Saying that she didn't. But at like realistically, she didn't, because the doctor's saying one thing, my athletic trainer is saying, going with what the doctor says, but then coach makes the rule, she makes the final decision. And Mom, what's something that you kind of regret as a parent perspective of me going through that because I know you and Dad always advocated for me to advocate for myself. And y'all taught me at a very young age. 7th grade. I remember I had to call my coaches up and I was the one who having to ask those hard conversations. I would cry before calling my coach, which could have been a simple conversation at a young age. But y'all are teaching me to be a young independent woman advocating for myself, teaching me to. To prepare for the adult world, prepare for the high school world. Prepare for the college world. I did that multiple times in the fall, multiple times in the winter. Like, when's enough? Enough and.
Well, that's true. I mean, we always wanted you to. Speak for yourself and learn to talk to adults and not speak on your behalf before you have at least tried to talk to the person. But we we definitely wouldn't have. Problem advocating for you and and speaking up when needed, but we at least wanted you in the conversation. So if in fact it was something you could handle, we wanted you to attempt to handle it. In the case of you being at the college level, it's completely different from a parent point of view. We expect that there's a higher level. I don't know what the care given in that the coach is going to, you know, especially if you're 1819 years old and you're you're going off to college for the, you know, first time. It's not like you're in grad school and you've been off on your own, you know. I expected the. Coach to handle everything with the doctors because we can't go. It's out of town, out of state or whatever. We can't always be there so. So I figured I assumed that was my problem. I assumed that her interest would be equal to my interest, and that's basically if you have her player, the players hurt and can't play, not you have a hurt player and let's let's still make them play. And I never even thought that that's how it could be so. I wish I would have. Then more involved with the doctor visits and things like that, you know. But you struggle as a parent because you want the the child, the adult, you know you are. You were 19 years old. You have to handle things. You have to be accountable for what the doctor say. And all of that, but you're also. So still learning, you know, yes, you're 19.
But, but we're still in that selfish mindset of, like we want to. You want 19 like I wanted to play. I didn't want to give up, not playing. And if you think I'm OK, like my body does not.
There's a lot, yeah.
Agree with me. But yeah, yeah, quit.
You can't have the maturity to say, hey, coach, you know you didn't know to look around the corner and go. You know, I really don't think.
That's what I felt like. I'd be a quitter. Like, that's why at the end of the day, it was like you're giving up on the team and like I had that in the back of my mind. And I think that's where I I wish that I was OK with my parents stepping in a little bit, even though they didn't even think that they needed to at the time.
I can do this, yeah.
I wish that they did because I was. I put this pressure on myself that like, I can't be a quitter. But I was also so broken and I was breaking mentally, physically and emotionally. And I mean how my career ended. I remember Mom and Dad were begging, you know, I mean, I'll just be honest with. With my listeners, they offered to give me my scholarship. Money to play my senior year.
Well yeah, because I.
Thought you were being short sighted. You know, we thought we're like, Oh my gosh. You know if. We know you're current your currency is currency. It's money. You, you, you like that motivates you to to do things. And we thought well, heck, you know. You'll still play if we offer her her scholarship money. There's no way she turned that down. Well, when you did, we went, Oh my gosh, she is really going to turn down that money. And you were able to do. We said you can do whatever you want with it. It's yours. Have it whatever you want. And when you said, Nope, I don't want it. That's when we went. Oh, yeah. That's when we realized, OK, this is way more than.
Well, that's when you finally listened. At the end of the day.
And you know her? Just having a bad day. It was a really deep, deep issue.
Or me just being dramatic with my coach, a female.
Oh yeah, that.
Was something I struggled with of. I'd call Mom and Dad at the end of practices after a long day of being on my feet for 8 hours a day. Student teaching and then going to go pitch in a three hour practice and my body is broken. I'm miserable, sleep deprived, I'm dehydrated and I. I couldn't get them to really understand at the time how much pain I was in physically, that was. Emotionally tearing me down and when and it's nothing. I'm not blaming my mom or my dad. For anything but.
No, we just didn't know. I mean you, you just don't know, yeah.
You weren't involved, and it wasn't as involved. They weren't involved with all the the Doctor's visits that I was going through my PT that I was going through, the conversations, they weren't the fly on the wall with the conversations that have with my coach. If I feel this way and then being told like you're weak or something like that, like it was just very mentally dry. Thing and hanging my cleats up was one of the hardest things that I ever had to do. It really was, but at. The end of. The but also it was one of the easiest. Things I could have done.
Yeah, it was the best thing you did it. It was for this thing you did. And now you know, looking forward, Fast forward to where we are now. It it. I had no idea. I died and I had no idea it was as bad as it was for you, you know, while you're there with your injuries, with all the mental stuff that was going on, we just did not know. And that.
What I found the best decision I made.
You know, going back to your initial question, you know that's what my regret is, you know, just not knowing and you know. And and I think that if coaches have nothing to hide, they should hide nothing. You know what I mean? If they're so confident in the way that they speak to the players and coach, then why are the parents always a backburner? Why can't they have any kind of relationship with the parents? You know, it if honestly, if they're such a great coach. And treat their players so good. Why wouldn't they want to know the part? You know, I'm not saying that you treat the parents like they're players, but it is a big family and it. Could be so good. But I think so many coaches have gotten burned in the past with crazy parents that they stay away from all parents when there's some really great parents out there that could make the program. Even 10 times better than it is. And when you don't spend time getting to know the parents and it's their loss. You know, that's what I regret now is not regret. Well, that's different. I I just wish it was more like that with these coaches that they would give parents more time because they're missing out on some really great opportunities.
It's building a community. It's overall building a community and a program. It's not just a one year team, it's building a program. And I mean it's building a booster club and on.
It is. Oh my gosh.
Top of that.
The money that they miss out on just not dealing with the parents, you know, the money that the parents are willing to donate to these programs if they felt like the coaches cared, you know, or wanted their money. You know what I mean? There's crazy for not tapping into that resource. Yeah. Holy cow. That's a whole nother issue. Coaches. But but parents, I I think you know, if I could do it over, I would say get involved, stay involved and and. And I think that you can say anything to a coach. It's just. How you say it? You know, don't don't try to talk to a coach at the college level after a game. Don't ever do that. You know, maybe you send a nice e-mail or. I don't know.
I'm gonna stop you on. Make sure your daughter is aware. Oh God. First off, your daughter approves of this, because if your daughter if I found out that my mom or my dad went behind my back and emailed something to my coach and then it comes and bites me in the ****, I would have lost it.
Gosh, yes, yes, yes. Oh, gosh no. I'm assuming there was a relationship.
1st and if. And I understand that's OK, but one of the biggest things that I want you to touch on and give advice on is. Or I'm going to say this from a player perspective and I'll let my mom answer from a parent perspective. Parents, if your daughter. Is coming at you with the same conversation over and over with the similar emotions. Something's wrong, and you might. Like when it comes to mental health. I did not. I wasn't raised on knowing a lot about mental health and I just wasn't around. It wasn't around it. I didn't. I didn't see something like I didn't learn about all that till I got to college, but like, I was in a bad mental health state and it was really hard to get that across to my parents because I never was in that state. Before. That's true. Never was in that state before, and so they were just like Danielle. Like, snap out of it. Like you're good. Like you're stronger than this mentally, like.
That's true.
Stop crying. They would listen to me. I never felt like mom or dad yelled at me in a way or belittled me or made me feel like my emotions were not valid. But they didn't understand what I was.
Yeah, we definitely did not.
Going through.
Know it was as bad as it was. It was more like, hey, just rub some dirt on it and let's go. You're gonna be fine. You know, so this coach said this or, you know, something was said and go on, carry on. We no idea. Did I know that it was as deep as it was. I mean, that's.
That's true, and I just want parents to listen to your daughter and pick up on the patterns. If she's having a similar conversation. If she's saying her body is broken and nothing's being done about it, no one is truly listening to her. Like y'all need to listen to her. And again, my whole story. I'm happy with how everything turned out. Very thankful of where I'm at in my personal life and in my career at the moment and I'm very blessed to see like DR3 would not be a thing the way that it is now. If my journey ended up. Differently. And so I'm very thankful for all the milestones that I went through and the adversity that I went through physically, mentally and emotionally. It made me the coach that I am today, way better coach than I ever was a player, and I'm thankful for this journey. But to save the pain of this next generation, this future generation, listen to your daughter. Pick up on the cues. Have more conversations, get vulnerable. And if you need to step in and advocate, then advocate.
I think I think that everybody's learning more now. I think that coaches are learning more about this whole mental aspect of it. I think parents are I think I think even in the short time that you've. Been out of school. Things are already better, you know, I mean. There's always those one offs. Oh my gosh, coach really said that and. They need to be fired, but I think that everybody's learning to do better and be better, you know, through additional education and this whole mental health thing. Honestly, Danielle Ice is just kind of poo poo you when you would say something about me. I'm like, I'm like, whatever, get over that your whole generation blames everything on mental. Well now I take. Right back because I see first hand that it is different, you know it is different. It's generational, too. So generational. And you know, I'm 53 it we didn't have the mental health issues that you guys have to deal with, you know, because of social media and all the different stressors that you guys face. And I I think most of it's probably culturally based as well but phones. And all that social media brings all the different platforms and stuff and the pressures that y'all feel we didn't. Have to deal with. Those we just didn't have them. We have little snippets of it here or there, but the whole bullying, the cyber bullying and stuff, that's completely different now. So I think that. And the coaches. Are learning that it's different. You know they can't have that mentality that dad not had that. Ohh, it's fine. Get over it. You know, because it's not. It's way different. So hopefully the coaches are getting that talk to them so they know to recognize how to speak to players and and and and the universities are getting rid of those coaches. That don't do that.
About time, you know, I mean. At that you. You would hope, and I still know, there are situations out there, but I can just pray that again and I.
Nobody's perfect. Nobody's perfect. And every there's always going to be a few bad apples, you know. But if everybody is really trying, I think that's a plus. That's you're you're moving in the right direction and you're open to learning more. And to do better. And it goes back to like what I said earlier, that if you got nothing to hide then. I'm nothing. You should be able to say in front of your team. Whatever you're going to say to them in front of, you know, 20 other people that are not on your team, they shouldn't get, you know, it shouldn't be this inside language that only you guys really understand. You know, I mean, you're going to have your little jokes and inside stuff. I get that. But if you're going to berate your team as a coach and you don't want parents or other people. Year because it's just within the family in quotes. I say that then you better reevaluate. You know what I mean? Because in today's world, if you feel like what you're going to say to your team of 24 can they can only hear it and nobody else can because. Because that may come back to haunt you. Then something's wrong. You better not be saying that to those girls. Or did that seem?
And from a player perspective, we're scared crapless to even tell anybody some of these conversations because we're scared of backlash. Yeah, that was another thing of, like, I was scared of backlash like.
Well, I'm not. This could be too you. You worry about retribution. You really do. I mean, you worry about. Gosh, if I reach out to my coach on behalf or my daughter's coach on behalf of her, I worry they'll sit her forever or, you know, I mean. Yeah. So that's why if relationships were built, you know what I mean and you and.
Revoked worship.
You started to. Be friendlier with each other then maybe. A lot of that would kind of go. Fall away. You know what? I. If you really felt like you knew the coach and you had a relationship, but if you didn't, if they didn't spend any time getting to know you as a family, then I I think the feeling of retribution is kind of an you kind of do wonder about that.
100%. Well, Mom, I just want to thank you for tuning in here today. A little back story. She had no idea I was about to interview her. We have no notes in front of us. I totally just told her when I saw her today. Like I'm recording you.
Well, I do get fired up when I know that you're talking about this, you know? Should have, could have, would have, you know. So yeah.
I get fired up. It's hard for me to let go of the past if I I'd be lying to you if I said I did not feel. When we talk about this, when I talk about, I don't talk about my college journey a lot on DDR3, if you? All haven't noticed. Because there's a lot of negative that goes into my college journey now, there's a lot of positives too. But there's a whole lot of negatives that I know my family and especially my mom and I like we hold on to a little bit because it fires us up and we just don't want. The patterns to happen in the future.
That's the intention is to share so others know. You know, we got to share our stories because when you know our story, you understand our heart and you see where we're coming from if. I think there's power in sharing a story, and our intention is not to be nasty or ugly. It's to help the next person, and if they have any specific questions and want to know anything that we're talking about more in detail, then reach out and ask us, you know, but to to not share what we've been through.
Voice to not.
Use it. Yeah, our intention is just to to help the next person come along. I mean, we know how many girls that you played with that were at the D1 level. At big big. Big schools that we all know of, if I started naming the schools. That had very similar issues and us all Mamas would talk and compare stories. And we're like, Oh my gosh, even at that school, they're having the same issues within the team that we're having at our little school. So it it's an issue that goes from D1D2D3 all the way down.
All the way to JUCO.
You know it's. There, you know, we're all. We all put our pants on the same way. You know what I mean? So there's a lot of similarities. So anyway.
Again, thank you so much for tuning into this week's episode. Mom, Susan Rubin, nurse Ruben, thank you so much for tuning in. I love you too. I will see y'all on. Next week's episode. Thank you for joining us on this episode of Beyond the Diamond Connect with us on all social media platforms, Twitter, Facebook, TikTok and YouTube at D O3 fastpitch. But Instagram is my biggest platform where I post daily content.
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