Stop Telling Athletes to “Calm Down”: What to Say Instead

“Calm down.”

It’s one of the most common phrases said to athletes — and one of the most misunderstood.

While it’s usually said with good intentions, many athletes don’t experience it as calming at all. Instead, they hear:

• “You’re overreacting”

• “You shouldn’t feel this way”

• “You’re doing something wrong”

That’s not what we want.

Why “Calm Down” Can Backfire

Athletes are already aware they’re feeling heightened emotions. When we tell them to calm down without giving them tools, it can increase frustration or make them feel dismissed.

The goal isn’t to erase emotion.
The goal is to channel it productively.

A Better Phrase: Stay Controlled

Instead of telling athletes to calm down, I encourage parents and coaches to use this phrase:

“Stay controlled.”

Control is something an athlete can actively do.

• Control her breath

• Control her body language

• Control her focus

That sense of ownership is powerful.

Language Shapes Confidence

Words matter more than most people realize.

The language athletes hear repeatedly becomes the language they use internally. If we want confident, resilient athletes, we need to be intentional about how we communicate.

What Parents Can Practice

Before games, talk with your daughter about:

• What helps her reset

• What words she responds to best

• How she wants support when things get tough

That conversation — before emotions run high — can make all the difference.

The Takeaway

Your words can either add pressure or relieve it.

By choosing language that empowers rather than dismisses, you help your daughter feel supported, capable, and in control — even in the biggest moments.